pardon? ( ?nodrap )

where are my car keys?
– quarter past seven

can you smell gas?
– sticky toffee pudding

what time’s kick off?
– the sea of tranquility

do you take sugar?
– nought point five

will it rain later?
– fire salamanders

do you know your postcode?
– long john silver

have you lost some weight?
– six clarinets

cash or card?
– probably osmosis

when’s the next bus?
– sunny side up, please

is there a god?
– try the airing cupboard

have you fed the dog?
– the royal albert hall

is this a poem?
– bicarbonate of soda

alternative names for the moon


alternative names for the moon ( noom eht rof seman evitanretla )

cousin of the sun

david niven’s balloon

cheeky, cheesy chops

fodder of space-mice

old crater face

dean martin’s pizza

nephew of the death star

werewolf activator

mistress of up there

renfield amplifier

lover of the lunatics

shaper of the dreamscape

shooter of beams

master of the tides

as the midges bite

warden of the night

( author notes )

& i’ve heard word – from a reliable source

that the actor, comedian

& game show host – les dennis

is in fact … a straight man

( gasp )

apparently dennis used to be married

to that amanda holden – & all sorts

& she’s not a les

she’s an amanda instead

( another gasp )

so dennis has been fooling us all

since at least the fucking eighties

( it’s an absolute swizz )

my nine lives


my nine lives ( sevil enin ym )

beneath the speeding wheels
of a mobility scooter
( drag racing with a milk float )

napping in pudding lane
as the flames crept in

an eagle dropped aeschylus
on my moggy head

dozing on atlantis
as the waters rose

bitten by vampire bats
eaten by giant rats

catching the cream
that was best before
last august

stuck up a larch tree
for half a century

with my heart broken
by a two-timing persian

@ poem


@ poem ( meop @ )

@ north pole

@ bolthole

@ twatter handle

@ random sample

@ website

@ red light

@ username

@ el alamein

@ pluto

@ the keiper belt

@ rangoon

@ the bloody moon

@ asgard

@ noah’s ark

@ m.i.a

@ ran away

@ seven seas

@ n.p.c’s

@ b&m

@ b&q

@ wit’s end

@ xanadu

@ up in the air

– but where the fuck are you

( ? )

nice swan, cyril


nice swan, cyril ( liryc ,naws ecin )

swan plus swan is two

swan flew over the cuckoo’s nest

yes, swan of those, please

it’s swan of a kind

swan love, swan life

swan in million

the swan with a waggly tail

swan is not amused

swan foot in the grave

the swan that got away

no swan’s fool

& swan for the road

( noted )


( noted ) ( deton )

two fat robins
bobbing in a bird bath

breakfast in a bap
as the moon aligns with neptune

wind on the face
with an untied shoelace

dinner’s on the pavement
mushy peas ‘n’ chips

rubber chickens clucking
in a blue rucksack

tupped-up ewes
winter barley rising

parsnips in the greenhouse
cows in their sheds

shoots of wild garlic
peeping like a perv

where the air is weaving
dogs run in circles

as a masky gasps
in a car – on his own

eight grey herons
venus in retrograde

burnt black toast
& a sleeping smoke alarm