Very few things in life are certain
(other than)
people in glass houses spend a fortune on curtains
Poetry
Henry VIII’s Shopping List
1. Chicken Drumsticks 2. Mead Cans 3. Wedding Rings 4. Axe (see above) & 5. Rennie & Gaviscon
A Derbyshire Lad
There was a lonely randy farmer way up in the Peaks, who became a little bit too fond of his own flock of sheep, I can't say what he did - it's too obscene but he didn't half get through Vaseline, how he loved his despicable acts of which I dare not speak
Woodland Warblings
Let’s sing to the trees
because they might join in
but nothing to modern
because they’ll hate that.
Something about bark
or branch rustling
would be brilliant,
or when the many bird nests
infest
Leighton Buzzard
There was a young woman from Leighton Buzzard who decided to hide in a cupboard in order to avoid being the subject of limericks it worked out quite well for her actually...
Scale
As a young child & thereabouts little Barry Wellywanger was terrified of Dormice He saw a picture of one once in a dog-eared copy of Hibernating Rodent Monthly & he wrongfully assumed that they were much larger than they really are -probably borderline Blue Whale-esque-ish -if not bigger -Bloody Hell! ...Many moons passed before he finally met one It was sunbathing on a park bench at the time He nearly sat on it at first...
[thought a strange]
I know this is a strange thought but honestly if you ask me I think Jesus was a chimpanzee This makes perfect sense in my perfectly sensible head, he wasn't tempted by stones turning into loaves because as far as I know monkeys don't eat bread, I think my Dark Lord & Master should have offered him bananas instead It's good to dream...
[bark bark]
you’ll often find me
barking up the wrong tree
in the wrong spinney
or copse
but,
please don’t ask me
if i’ve got the right tree
because i’d rather remain at a loss
Great Historical Rivalries
If Richard the Lionheart
& the mighty Saladin
fought to the death
inside a golden cage
who in God’s name would win?
…Fuck knows
Pigs
-
This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy looked a little looked a little bit like Stephen Gately so he replaced him as the 5th member of Boyzone (on their reunion tour run for the moors...) This little piggy swam with dolphins & narwhals (both species) & rode on the back of a giraffe, this little piggy went back in time with a joke & cheered up Sylvia Plath (briefly) & this little Piggy moved to Bradford & got a job working in his local Costco, he was doing alright for himself until he bumped into his local serial killer & then he got done in by a crossbow... (The End)
- https://soundcloud.com/merlin-ii/pigs
resarf poetry 