the truth about lord nelson

lord nelson had one eye
lord nelson had one leg
lord nelson had sixteen nipples
lord nelson invented spandex
hot pants, bitumen & vimto
lord nelson went to mow
went to mow a meadow
lord nelson had
an affair with pat butcher
& a punch-up in the woolpack
with cain bloody dingle
lord nelson played
saxophone on baker street
backgammon with elvis
& hammond organ
on a whiter shade of pale
plus games of naked twister
with eva braun & hitler
lord nelson spoke
beautifully fluent
vulcan & klingon
with a romulan accent
lord nelson had – a ten foot wanger
lord nelson grouted my bathroom
a fortnight later
all the tiles fell out


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